it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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