I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
