why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
