if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
