I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
