Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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