Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
