Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
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Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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