The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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