I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
