shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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