Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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