Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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