I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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