So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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