my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
