We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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