I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
