How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
