am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
