20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
