I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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