The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
