I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
