did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
