Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
