You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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