wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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