After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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