my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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