if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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