you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
