it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
