he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There r osticjed everywhere
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
