I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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