saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
