God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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