Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
