From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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