I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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