why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
