Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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