how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
