be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
