Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
