If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just pee around me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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