apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
