The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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