According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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