My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
