I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
