Where is the hickey?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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