After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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