sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
