You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
