My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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